I wish I could say that I know myself. The farther and deeper I look inside, the less I seem to know and understand. Recently, God revealed to me how tired I was. Not just tired, but an overwhelming exhaustion where not even sleep could bring relief. The funny thing about this revelation is that the day before I had discussed how wonderful I felt, how bright life had been lately and how I was enjoying all of my challenges – and I believed every word I said. How utterly clueless of myself I was.
My revelation came during an art project in my Spiritual Direction class. For forty-five minutes I sat quietly with God, letting Him peal back some of my layers and then translating that experience into a picture. He showed me that my tiredness came from the pressures I’d been putting on myself -- pressures to perform and be transformed. I had been trying to maintain some ideal of a perfect Christian, or at least a perfect Melody. Doing that all the time was weighing down my soul. An eye-opening revelation that I’m still wrestling with.
As I had this time with God, I was surrounded by eleven other students, each one praying, drawing, and writing about their journey with God and uniquely communicating with and being inspired by Him. “God is relational at the core - and so whatever is said, whatever is revealed, whatever is received is also personal and relational. There is nothing impersonal, nothing merely functional, everything from beginning to end and in between is personal. God is inherently and inclusively personal,” stated Eugene Peterson.
Some of the students loved this artistic opportunity while others struggled, but each communing with God in their own way. By making it personal, He revealed His deep love and understanding of each of us. Margaret Silf expressed this kind of love when she wrote, “What unseen powers are these, in wind and water, all sunshine dappled and charged with an energy that is capable of setting a universe in motion, but also with a love that is able — and desiring — to touch my heart into peace?”
I’m so grateful that when I’m struggling to know me, God is already there. He loves and desires me, all of me, and walks my respective path with me.